Inner Freedom

I don't know if we are even aware of the burdens that we carry, the life being sucked out of us by worry, stress, guilt, shame, fatigue, un-forgiveness.  The list goes on.  I know a lot of truths from having a relationship with Jesus for almost my whole life, but I seem to easily pick up burdens without even realizing it, and then wondering where all the joy went.  

You know...we don't have to live this way?  

Here is my recent journey...My life with a wonderful husband and 5 healthy, beautiful children seemed such a burden.  I was overwhelmed with my to-do list.  My responsibilities and tasks.  I was angry because I felt that I had no time to myself and if selfishness could be measured it was at the highest point EVER.   Depression was lurking around and I hated it. 

 I couldn't figure out why I was in this state, I had no obvious reason to be so discontented.  

Then someone mentioned they had rocks they were carrying in their pockets and I could fully relate.  

I had been carrying rocks in my pockets for sometime, but I couldn't even identify them.  I just felt the weight, draining my joy right out of me.  

I asked God to show me what they were, but the only result was me sobbing in his presence.  In desperation, I cried out.  "I am willing to do whatever it takes, even if I look like a fool."   This place of surrender was humbling.  I heard him whisper during worship one Sunday morning at church, "If you are hungry, go to the front of the church and kneel."  I was hungry.  I swallowed my pride and went up and knelt.  His presence was so strong that I was overwhelmed with his love and I began to weep.  More than four different Sunday's this occurred.  It was draining but comforting, and yet I still had un identified rocks in my pockets.  

One evening not long after, at a church service, we were new to, God dumped the whole list of those rocks and in a moment I had all their names written down.  "What was I to do now?" I asked. He said, "Confess them."  I was desperate, and willing to be humbled to get rid of these awful things.  It was then asked if anyone had something to share.  (How timely. Did you catch the part that I was new at this church?) I took a big breath and went forward.  I read the whole list out loud.  And I wept.

Fear of failing

Anger

Feeling like I was a failure

Burden of homeschooling

Fear of man

Negative attitude

Judgment 

Criticism

This was so hard.  I felt a sense of relief, but not completion.  

At a women's retreat two weeks later, is when the freedom arrived. It was here, with direction and time to focus I saw that some of these were sin, and some were bondage.  Things I had picked up through various events.  

Lamentations 3:22-25 "Because of the Lord's great Love we are not consumed, for His compassion never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him" The Lord is good to those who hope in him, to the one who seeks him."

In this place I asked the question, "Where did I first learn to agree with the voice of fear?"

I saw that Fear of Failure was tied to Fear of Man.  Then I asked, "In this place of fear, what am I afraid will happen?"

Then, "What does the voice of truth say?"

That day, I broke any agreement I had with fear. And in that I realized I had created my own idol, that was fueling all of these.  MY WAY. 

Yep. It's an ugly one.  I had chosen to do things my way and as a result, fear was able to take place - judgement, criticism and anger took their places as I looked at others to make myself feel better in my place of shortcomings.  

I confessed, repented, and verbally spoke a vow to God that I was done with my way and wanted His Way.  

John 15:5 " I am the vine, you are the branches.  If a man remains in me and I in Him, he will bear much fruit.  Apart from me you can do nothing.  If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers."

Yep.  That verse described me to a "T".  I was withered and dying.

So the next question, "Jesus what is Your perspective?"

Wow!  So much changed.  The rocks were thrown.  My spirit felt joy again.  Depression fled.  It has been two months since that retreat.  I have noticed that I can fall into traps of familiar behavior. But what keeps me focused, is daily coming before the Father and asking Him, "Lord, what do you want me to do today?"

I no longer have the burdens that I did before.  Lots of things don't get done around my home, but I'm learning this place of rest, instead of a place of feeling like a failure.  I learned about seeking God for burdens and areas of sin regularly and repenting, rejecting the lies and receiving his truth.

Psalm 52 "But I am like an olive tree, thriving in the house of God.  I will always trust in God's unfailing love"

My breath prayer, "I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand, lay back against you and breathe and feel your heart beat."

My encouragement is pay careful attention to your thoughts.  Are you dwelling in stress, worry, discontentment or pain.  Ask God to show you what is keeping you from walking  in his peace and joy. Then, (if you are willing) you can be freed, by repentance, rejecting lies and receiving His truth.

Blessings,

Donaca