Legos in the Afternoon

So, you're probably going to think that I've lost my mind. Especially since I've been saying for the last year that this 4th baby was going to be our last. I don't know how many times I repeatedly told people. I don't like being pregnant, I struggle with handling all the physical changes. How I'd much rather have more children that aren't from my own womb. (which is completely true). But about 4 months ago, I started hearing God whisper to me. He said, "Will you trust me?"

I didn't want to listen, so I kept telling more people. I'm finished having children.

James has been so wonderful. I've never enjoyed the newborn baby stage, as I have this time. I had so much apprehension about having baby #4 and wondering how it would all fit together. But it's been a delight. Seriously, I think Karmin and Rose were much harder to adjust to. I had to do everything myself. Now, I can have the girls fetch things I need, like a glass of water while I'm nursing, or a diaper. Or I can tell them to go check on Jesse. That is a huge help! They can be my eyes and ears. Karmin refers to herself as the babysitter. : ) She sits with James when he cries and I can't get to him. She watches after Jesse if he's downstairs before I get down there. And of course the girls do laundry and chores like sweeping the kitchen and picking up toys. It's much easier than having 2 kids. A little harder to get out of the house - that's for sure. But no big deal. I just don't go out too often. Which suits me for this season. Homeschooling Karmin and Rose take up the mornings and potty training Jesse requires time to be near the toilet.

Ok, back to what I was talking about...I had scheduled an appointment for Mark to get snipped. Yep. I kept saying I was finished. And my flesh would like to be. But I was ignoring the small voice saying, "will you trust me". Oh My Goodness that is a tough one to listen to. I have for so long been concerned with the fears of what the future might hold for my children, and the negative thoughts toward pregnancy. I felt like I lost a whole summer with my family because I couldn't do much. For instance, we tried going to the beach, but it was terribly uncomfortable for me, and I was disappointed I couldn't enjoy the time with the kids.

God has been wooing me, I guess is what you might say. The other day a huge storm came. Our bedroom is now in the bonus room and there isn't any attic space above. So the sound of the rain is loud and clear. The thunder boomed and I could hear lightning too. God whispered..."Do you hear the storm outside? You are tucked, nice and warm in your bed. Don't you believe me when I say that I will take care of you and your family? Don't you believe me, and my promises? Do you know that I have another name?" I started crying. He has another name. Now how can I refuse that? WOW.

I believe that God has my best interest in mind. He loves me. He loves our family. Then why don't I believe that He won't forsake me? What is 9 months of pregnancy in the great scope of life? Look how much I've enjoyed James. He has another name. He has another baby. - I asked Him what he would think if I kept the appointment and Mark got the surgery. He said I'd only miss out on the blessing. There was no guilt. No condemnation. He wasn't telling me no, or not too. He was just wooing me. : )

Mark has felt for a long time that we needed to trust God with the size of our family, (which he reminded me of when I talked to him about God speaking to me). He was going to go ahead with surgery because he wanted a happy wife. So, this decision would be in unity with my hubby - that's a good thing. : )

I finally surrendered. The great thing about surrendering, is peace almost always follows. Now, I just have to walk out this journey...